Five dimensions

Due to recent events both public and private, I've been thinking about gender identity and sexual orientation a decent amount in the last few years, and I've formulated a theory that I find interesting. Before I continue, I want to warn you that I have not done any real research in these areas; this is simply my own theory (and theory is probably too grandiose a word for it), based on my thoughts and observations. I apologize in advance to my friends who know more about this than I do (of whom I have many) if I come off as unsophisticated, simplistic or insulting.

I've read a lot of news articles and blogs about these subjects, as well as the attending comments (I know, Liz, I should never read the comments! But I can't help myself...). As usual, one thing that has struck me repeatedly is how people with opposing views on these issues tend to talk at cross purposes; each has their own perspective and it's so different from the other side's that they may as well be speaking different languages. In particular, there are people who cannot fathom even the possibility of a disconnect between one's biological sex and one's sense of one's gender. There are also a lot of people who conflate sexual behavior with sexual orientation.

So I was thinking about those people, and how they seem incapable of understanding gay/trans issues, and I realized that their entire view of both gender and sexual orientation is deeply, fundamentally, nearly impossibly different than mine. And I realized that, for many, many straight people in the world today, all these issues can be simplified down to a single, binary choice: man or woman. That's it! It's so easy! That's all you have to think about! Are you a man or a woman? The end. And everything else just plays out from there: if you're a man then you feel like a man, you act like a man, you want to have sex with women, and (if you're lucky) you get to have sex with women. Opposite goes for if you are a woman. Done.

This perspective is simple, easy and reassuring, and for most people, it's the only perspective they've ever needed to have. They've never felt differently, and everyone they've ever known works that way, too (superficially, at least).

I used to be this way, myself, mostly. As a straight woman who feels at home in her body, I haven't had to think too much about it. I am biologically female. I identify as a woman. I'm not the girliest of girls, but for the most part I stay within the accepted gender roles in our society. I'm sexually attracted to men, and my sexual behavior mirrors that sexual preference. Done. Pretty cut and dried. So it would be easy to think that all of that can be summed up in one simple fact: I am female. Honestly, left to my own devices it'd be difficult to think of it in any other way.

But I've had enough friends and family members who have had different experiences to alert me to the fact that it isn't always that simple. Based on their experiences, my current theory is that, rather than one defining, binary, biological dimension to gender, there are in fact five:

1. Biological sex - what sex your physical body and chromosomes say you are
2. Gender identity - what sex your mind and heart tell you you are
3. Gendered behavior - how you behave re: gender (butch vs. femme, cross-dressing, etc.)
4. Sexual orientation - what gender(s), if any, you are sexually attracted to
5. Sexual behavior - how, when and where you have sex and with whom

Some of these things are choices, some of these things are not, and some we don't know. Furthermore, not only are there five dimensions rather than one, but each of the five is not really binary at all, but a spectrum which also includes all or none, and may change over time and context. Even biological sex is not binary: many people are born with ambiguous genitalia and/or variations of the typical XX/XY at the chromosomal level.

Each dimension is also independent of the others, which is why you can stick a straight guy in a dress and it won't make him either gay or a woman; it's why there's a huge difference between people who cross-dress and transgendered people (and not all people who enjoy cross-dressing are gay); and it's why you can "reform" gay people all you want but even if they get married and have kids and never have homosexual sex ever again, it doesn't change their sexual orientation. Sorry, still gay. (Or throw a straight guy in prison and, despite whatever sexual behaviors he might engage in while in there, it doesn't make him gay.)

So instead of an obvious, singular choice between two concrete options, we get literally an infinite number of possible combinations. That is really scary for a lot of people, especially people who prefer concrete, black and white interpretations of things. It's incomprehensible for others. I will admit, I've had a hard time with it myself, especially the disconnect between dimensions 1 and 2. I have never personally felt a disconnect between my biological gender and my gender identity, and it is difficult for me to imagine what that might feel like.

But you know what? I don't have to feel that way in order to have compassion for those who do. When someone I love comes to me and tells me that he's never been comfortable in the body that he was born with, never felt right, that he hates it and longs for it to match the mental image he has of himself, do I say, "sorry, my mental and biological genders match, so you must not feel that way"? Of course not. How dare I tell him how he's feeling? I don't understand; I can't ever really understand. But that does not give me the right to deny his reality.

So I've come to embrace the concept of the five dimensions. My dimensions are easy, because mine are typical and I've never had to question them. But that's actually the best part of it: I don't have to question mine! I think that may be the biggest stumbling block of all, the biggest, scariest hurdle for those like me who are blinded by our "normalcy" to the other dimensions. It's one thing to understand that someone might feel a gender identity that doesn't "match" their biological gender, or they may even choose sexual behaviors that are not "in line" with their sexual orientation. But to truly accept all five dimensions as valid, independent spectra of possibilities can be terrifying! Because what does that mean for me?!

I'm here to tell you: it's OK. It probably doesn't mean anything for you. Accepting that other people may be different doesn't mean that you yourself have to change. It doesn't put you on shaky ground, although accepting differences can sometimes make your own reality feel insecure. Even in a world with five dimensions, you are still allowed to be a straight person who feels at home in the body you were born in. Most people will still probably be straight, and comfy in their bodies, and prefer to follow some variation of traditional gender roles. That's cool. Accepting the variations will not destroy the world. You don't have to change your own identity or behaviors; just consider opening your mind and your heart and allowing everyone to be true to theirs.